Help
Sign In
QaR
December 2009 
Love Versus Lust
Posted on Nov 3rd, 2007
by 
soulmandala
soulmandala
Much effort has been made to understand the true nature of love. Poets have swooned their songs and laments, while philosophers have drawn a variety of theories to innumerable conclusions. In our world of steadily increasing divorce rates, casual sex, well-funded research efforts, and constant talk show drivel, we seem to be no closer to understanding the phenomena of love.
Many people experience being ‘in love’ in a positively goofy, obsessive/compulsive way. Certainly the rush of falling in lust causes such feelings, but lust and love, while sometimes appearing in concert, are two very different sensibilities.
What is lust and what is love? Is there a difference between the two? If the distinction exists, how does it show itself and what does that contrast mean in our lives?
It is relatively simple to recognize the teenager in the lustful groove of puberty. Certainly, with no more self or societal awareness than most adolescents possess, we can assume pure lust in their coupling motives, with the confusion of ‘love’ thrown in for histrionics. The constantly eager sexual state of being which is clearly associated with puberty stands as the definition of lust. We accept, with some trepidation, this state in the teen, understanding that the newness and intensity of sexual stimulation can be overwhelming to the inexperienced. While there are some exceptions, most of these early relationships never develop beyond curious, excited bumps in the night. Young lovers part with all the drama of a Shakespearean play, yet recover from their bout with ‘love’ at missile speed, only to move on to their next partner for further lessons in passion.
Pure lust, by its’ nature, is for the young. It is unseemly for those meeting the decades of passing to take on its’ charms. Yet the middle aged man (or woman) inclines to willfully disregard character, covenant, principle, and take up with another in direct opposition to all he has held dear through his life – his pledge, his integrity, his honor. In doing so, he shows the effects of lust. He happily betrays everything of importance in his life with utter disregard for the resulting injury to his loved ones, all for chemistry, alchemy, being somehow magically transformed – ‘in love.’ He reminds us of nothing more than the ancient symbol of the grey-bearded goat in full rut, chasing after his prurient booty. He is under a spell, reaching for lost vigor, ready to destroy that which he has spent years – frequently a lifetime – to develop, ardent to devastate the hard earned respect of friends and family, all for a connection based upon physical responses to exotic stimuli.
Meanwhile, he declares himself as being ‘in love’ without the ability to clearly define the nature of his coupling or characteristics of his beloved which separate her from all others. In time, when the chemical reaction fades, he comes to realize the damage his amorous adventure has caused, but it is too late. His life, his refuge, his family are in ruin and there is no foundation for love in the attachment for which he has forsaken all.
Lust alone as the primary basis for immutable intimacy does not endure, but burns out in a short interval. Many people are surprised when, after a year or two, or even a month or two, in a relationship or marriage, there is no foundation of love to rely upon. They may have transitioned from the honeymoon excitement of lust into the day to day, constant, consistent sameness of the everyday world. Without the thrill of habitual eroticism, they are lost. They look at one another and wonder about the stranger in their bed. They have mistaken lust for love.
The driving force of lust can make us believe we cannot live without the constant energy of the other person. This is primarily a physiological condition. Energy, alchemy, chemistry, and hormones create the illusion of an emotional investment when, in truth, none exists. The initial chemical reaction persists in supporting the desperation of desire, while the time, similarity, and energy needed to support the growth and development of love have not been initiated or, worse yet, cannot ever exist.
Lust makes us giddy – two energies becoming one, but in a greater state together than apart. The ‘Jerry McGuire’ line, "You complete me," is a perfect reflection of lust. Lust makes us forget ourselves and our own unique completeness in the constant drive to merge with our lover. The fixation of inferred fulfillment through the other can negate everything the individual actually needs for his own life, growth, and development. It is as though the alchemy of the moment annuls an entire existence of wisdom.
People often fall in love with being in lust. It is fun to have those roller coaster feelings. It feels as though we are alive and awake and aware of everything about our partner in a more extreme way. There is an excitement in lust which cannot be found in any other human experience. For the young, it is the new impressions on mind, body, heart, and spirit. As we grow older, it reminds us of the newness of life we have long since missed. Lust becomes as addictive as any drug, opening us to a lifetime of unfulfilled romantic dreams, for dreaming is at the core of lust. Like a dream, without a firm foundation of love as its’ support, lust fades in the light of day.
What is true love? It appears when two spirits recognize each other – what they sense and know of each other – and blend together while remaining distinctly separate. We distinguish this soul as a unique being, particularly matched to our own peculiarities. Even within that recognition, however, there is no romantic notion that somehow without the other in our lives we cannot exist. Our spirits know we can continue perfectly well on our own. No exaggerating, exasperating obsession – simply and beautifully an acknowledgment of the grace found in combining.
When love is real, it conflicts with nothing, but supports everything that each partner is independently working to achieve. Our present lives fall into the glorious sustenance of a companion soul, further fulfilling our endeavors by their presence in our lives. We have our own power, demeanor, and space. In some way, however, we are better able to live within our spirits and power while in the companionship of the one we love. There is greater breadth and depth in the articulation of our selves because of the support of the other. What was a life lived in full-color moves into technicolor – more vivid, vibrant, exciting – discovered simply in the sharing.
Love is something more akin to the swelling of a river from its’ banks during a spring rain – nothing forced, but flowing. Not so urgent as the flushing flood of lust, but gently pressing and expanding. Constantly building, growing – gracefully reaching up to caress the banks of our beings with that for which we did not know we were thirsting.
It is the difference between a quickening and a deepening. Lust is the quickening that alerts us to potential. Love is the deepening of spiritual beings merging. Lust reaches its’ highest calling in service to the awakening of love. Love, in all its’ many forms, resounds as our souls’ ultimate goal for existence.
Words of love are often used as words of lust, but there is a different texture when spirit joins the scene. There is a special space around the words – a warmth, a glow, a sensuality – which moves beyond mere touching. It is the texture of merging – energy, spirit, emotions – connecting.
Many people experience being ‘in love’ in a positively goofy, obsessive/compulsive way. Certainly the rush of falling in lust causes such feelings, but lust and love, while sometimes appearing in concert, are two very different sensibilities.
What is lust and what is love? Is there a difference between the two? If the distinction exists, how does it show itself and what does that contrast mean in our lives?
It is relatively simple to recognize the teenager in the lustful groove of puberty. Certainly, with no more self or societal awareness than most adolescents possess, we can assume pure lust in their coupling motives, with the confusion of ‘love’ thrown in for histrionics. The constantly eager sexual state of being which is clearly associated with puberty stands as the definition of lust. We accept, with some trepidation, this state in the teen, understanding that the newness and intensity of sexual stimulation can be overwhelming to the inexperienced. While there are some exceptions, most of these early relationships never develop beyond curious, excited bumps in the night. Young lovers part with all the drama of a Shakespearean play, yet recover from their bout with ‘love’ at missile speed, only to move on to their next partner for further lessons in passion.
Pure lust, by its’ nature, is for the young. It is unseemly for those meeting the decades of passing to take on its’ charms. Yet the middle aged man (or woman) inclines to willfully disregard character, covenant, principle, and take up with another in direct opposition to all he has held dear through his life – his pledge, his integrity, his honor. In doing so, he shows the effects of lust. He happily betrays everything of importance in his life with utter disregard for the resulting injury to his loved ones, all for chemistry, alchemy, being somehow magically transformed – ‘in love.’ He reminds us of nothing more than the ancient symbol of the grey-bearded goat in full rut, chasing after his prurient booty. He is under a spell, reaching for lost vigor, ready to destroy that which he has spent years – frequently a lifetime – to develop, ardent to devastate the hard earned respect of friends and family, all for a connection based upon physical responses to exotic stimuli.
Meanwhile, he declares himself as being ‘in love’ without the ability to clearly define the nature of his coupling or characteristics of his beloved which separate her from all others. In time, when the chemical reaction fades, he comes to realize the damage his amorous adventure has caused, but it is too late. His life, his refuge, his family are in ruin and there is no foundation for love in the attachment for which he has forsaken all.
Lust alone as the primary basis for immutable intimacy does not endure, but burns out in a short interval. Many people are surprised when, after a year or two, or even a month or two, in a relationship or marriage, there is no foundation of love to rely upon. They may have transitioned from the honeymoon excitement of lust into the day to day, constant, consistent sameness of the everyday world. Without the thrill of habitual eroticism, they are lost. They look at one another and wonder about the stranger in their bed. They have mistaken lust for love.
The driving force of lust can make us believe we cannot live without the constant energy of the other person. This is primarily a physiological condition. Energy, alchemy, chemistry, and hormones create the illusion of an emotional investment when, in truth, none exists. The initial chemical reaction persists in supporting the desperation of desire, while the time, similarity, and energy needed to support the growth and development of love have not been initiated or, worse yet, cannot ever exist.
Lust makes us giddy – two energies becoming one, but in a greater state together than apart. The ‘Jerry McGuire’ line, "You complete me," is a perfect reflection of lust. Lust makes us forget ourselves and our own unique completeness in the constant drive to merge with our lover. The fixation of inferred fulfillment through the other can negate everything the individual actually needs for his own life, growth, and development. It is as though the alchemy of the moment annuls an entire existence of wisdom.
People often fall in love with being in lust. It is fun to have those roller coaster feelings. It feels as though we are alive and awake and aware of everything about our partner in a more extreme way. There is an excitement in lust which cannot be found in any other human experience. For the young, it is the new impressions on mind, body, heart, and spirit. As we grow older, it reminds us of the newness of life we have long since missed. Lust becomes as addictive as any drug, opening us to a lifetime of unfulfilled romantic dreams, for dreaming is at the core of lust. Like a dream, without a firm foundation of love as its’ support, lust fades in the light of day.
What is true love? It appears when two spirits recognize each other – what they sense and know of each other – and blend together while remaining distinctly separate. We distinguish this soul as a unique being, particularly matched to our own peculiarities. Even within that recognition, however, there is no romantic notion that somehow without the other in our lives we cannot exist. Our spirits know we can continue perfectly well on our own. No exaggerating, exasperating obsession – simply and beautifully an acknowledgment of the grace found in combining.
When love is real, it conflicts with nothing, but supports everything that each partner is independently working to achieve. Our present lives fall into the glorious sustenance of a companion soul, further fulfilling our endeavors by their presence in our lives. We have our own power, demeanor, and space. In some way, however, we are better able to live within our spirits and power while in the companionship of the one we love. There is greater breadth and depth in the articulation of our selves because of the support of the other. What was a life lived in full-color moves into technicolor – more vivid, vibrant, exciting – discovered simply in the sharing.
Love is something more akin to the swelling of a river from its’ banks during a spring rain – nothing forced, but flowing. Not so urgent as the flushing flood of lust, but gently pressing and expanding. Constantly building, growing – gracefully reaching up to caress the banks of our beings with that for which we did not know we were thirsting.
It is the difference between a quickening and a deepening. Lust is the quickening that alerts us to potential. Love is the deepening of spiritual beings merging. Lust reaches its’ highest calling in service to the awakening of love. Love, in all its’ many forms, resounds as our souls’ ultimate goal for existence.
Words of love are often used as words of lust, but there is a different texture when spirit joins the scene. There is a special space around the words – a warmth, a glow, a sensuality – which moves beyond mere touching. It is the texture of merging – energy, spirit, emotions – connecting.
Access: Public
In reading “all” here, I can only add that I agree totally with what you've written,..and well written btw…
The line that I love to use when others say they have fallen in love just like that I replace it with, “you have just fallen in lust”. I am not disptuting a “love at first sight” as simply,..that would be small minded in doing so as I know it has happened and still can to this very day, but more often than not, the many can confuse “love” for “lust” just as I have seen this happen at times as well.
Hell,..I still fall in lust at times…could be over someone's picture and or what I see in their words,..a beautiful poem that stirs innermost emotions. Life certainly can hold “Shakespearean” moments..thank goodness :-)
tthanks! yes, i agree - it is possible for 'love at first sight' to happen, but truly not likely. besides, falling in lust has its' place as well, so long as all parties realize that's what's going on…
namaste,
kristen
So how then might we reconize this love if not in forms of flesh. Could we not feel similar connection to those other parts of life that we are connected to as well?
J.M.
ah, how indeed do we recognize love?
in my humble opinion, lust is easy. flutters of feelings can happen at the smallest (or largest) of occurrences and certain actions of potential lovers shift the energies into that lustful arena with amazing speed and effortlessness.
but love requires more consideration ~ a greater connection. certainly love can be expressed physically ~ beautifully, gloriously, rapturously ~ but i think sometimes love is best expressed in those small common touches.
my parents have been married 60 years now. my mom had a heart attack this past summer. now, please understand ~ my folks argue as much as any couple. i'm not capable of contemplating the history of their sex life, but i'll bet it's slowed down considerably over the decades. yet every day my father lays out my mother's medications and makes certain she takes what she needs when she needs to take it. that's an act of pure love. there's the connection.
to define love within a relationship, i suppose we have to consider what love means to ourselves. my contemplation of love could be quite different than yours. ideally love and lust work in a wonderful concerto of harmony and rhythm, each moving into and out of daily consideration within a relationship. however, i recognize that's my own concept. for others, love and lust may take on entirely different appearances. with this, as with so many things in life, there is no right answer ~ only the answer that works best for you!
namaste,
kh
Well said my friend, for many are the storms through life we can wage but it is the subtle breeze that carries the seed to rest and grow in new ground.
Thanks.
Meandering hand in hand with the change winds.
J.M.
this is fascinating.
Sonnet 116: Let me not to the marriage of true minds by William Shakespeare Let me not to the marriage of true minds
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
while i allow everything that has been said up to now, i would like to add some personal reflections from my experiences, especially within the past two weeks :)
lust is a nearly inevitable part of romantic love (though of course there are many ways of deeply loving people that do not involve lust - mother or father love, sibling love, other family love, friendship love, colleague love, unconditional love and so on). We are physical beings so when we love romantically, we lust, we long for, we yearn. This is a sexual and energetic connection with the beloved that comes from a number of different aspects of our physicality.
And there is nothing wrong with any of that, it is a natural and wonderful process (as long as one doesn't use it as an excuse for behaviour that hurts self and/or others)
Love though - really loving someone? This is much much more than the most intense physical longing and yearning for someone.
I could go on at some length (and do every day, in my discussion with my beloved!) but here is a part of what Love is, in the words of the immortal Bard.
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixèd mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
well, now that you've brought Willie into the discussion, there's nothing more to say, eh? aaaaaah, just gotta love that particular sonnet! thank you both!
oh, there is always much more to say, even after Willie has spoken - with Love the conversation goes on and on and on (LOL! God knows my beloved and I have talked forever every day!),
For me, besides the not wanting to change the person, and not minding the person growing older, what it is in a positive sense is unconditional love and acceptance. I love him just exactly as he is and he loves me the same way. We delight in each other's strengths as well as quirks and quarks, how each other laughs, the way he goes into a rage when he is struggling with a cabinet he is trying to put together that won't cooperate, the way I get mad at my dishwasher, the elusive and poetic way he responds, the pencil and ruler way I respond… everything is a source of wonder and comment and adoration.
In the words of the immortal Sting :)
Every little thing (s)he does is magic
Everything (s)he do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her (him) goes on
ah, yes, love is revealed in special, unique ways within each relationship. love echoes the distinctive characteristics of the individuals and the partnership in brilliant ways, with lust entering in a wonderful paix de deux of energy and revelation.
i'm curious, Nicole ~ how long have you and your beloved been involved?
i love that, lust in pas de deux of energy and revelation with love! glory
um, would you believe two weeks! ok ok I know it seems so so new, but please factor in that we have spent something like 70 hours or more in conversation on the phone, sent each other so many emails, chatted online on MSN and…
ok, I can't explain it. Why we know that at last after 44 and 45 years we have finally found the real thing, though it looks like we are just being brand, as EE Cummings would say…
she being Brand
-new;and you
know consequently a
little stiff i was
careful of her and(having
thoroughly oiled the universal
joint tested my gas felt of
her radiator made sure her springs were O.
K.)i went right to it flooded-the-carburetor cranked her
up,slipped the
clutch(and then somehow got into reverse she
kicked what
the hell)next
minute i was back in neutral tried and
again slo-wly;bare,ly nudg. ing(my
lev-er Right-
oh and her gears being in
A 1 shape passed
from low through
second-in-to-high like
greasedlightning)just as we turned the corner of Divinity
avenue i touched the accelerator and give
her the juice,good
(it
was the first ride and believe i we was
happy to see how nice she acted right up to
the last minute coming back down by the Public
Gardens i slammed on
the
internalexpanding
&
externalcontracting
brakes Bothatonce and
brought allofher tremB
-ling
to a:dead.
stand-
;Still)
E E Cummings
ah, precious girl, yes, i can believe it's only been two weeks. it's written all over your writing.
i'm thrilled that you're thoroughly enjoying your relationship. rev those engines up and go for it ~ you're on that blessed roller coaster ~ wheeeeee!
there's so much joy and passion in those flushings of new love. still, patience and peace till the chemicals settle down, yes? no jumping into permanence just yet. then, after settling in a bit, go ahead and jump in full force!
(as i'm writing this i fully realize you didn't ask for any advice from me, yet here i go sending my suggestions your way. please don't be put off by me. i'm the uber-nurturer ~ Cancer sun, moon, AND ascending. everyone is my child, even my own parents. feel free to completely disregard my prodings if you'd like, although there is scientific evidence of the various chemicals ~ the panting, reaching, can't wait to see him chemicals ~ released at the beginning of relationships fading after 12-18 months. once those chemicals have faded, the determining factor pointing to the relationship continuing is how well the couples have built the sturdier foundations of partnership outside of the flushing lust. okay, i'm done mothering now ~ sorry!)
blushing, yes, I guess it is pretty obvious eh?
i love your nurturing and kindness, and take the advice in the beautiful generous spirit in which it was intended.
points well taken about the initial stage and the intensity of the longing. of course it is quite a bit worse because we have not yet been together - oh, only six days to go before he is here for the weekend.
we are using this time apart to get to know each other better and better, baring our souls and minds and hearts and spirits to each other.
love you so… thank you
Hey there soulmandela, do not worry every litte bit of love's cement helps build a good foundation, especially when it is coming from your mother.
Hey Nicole I know.. I know… but it's mother just be nice, she still hasn't given us that cookie receipt yet.
See ya mom, hugs.
=}
mmm cookies! hugs :)
ya'll are adorable! (and obvious, gang ~ get a room! oh, yes, i see, Nicole says you're gonna ~ good for you!) oh, and, sorry, the cookie recipe dies with me! :P
I'm going after you!
You can't escape the cookie monster.
Did you see the movie,
“What Dreams May Come”?
Amazing love is demonstrated in the end.
Profound!
Chopras “The Path to Love” is a very good read.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_1_14?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=the+path+to+love+deepak+chopra&sprefix=The+Path+to+lo
Wishing you all, love in its highest form.
Soulmandala! I enjoyed your paper! Beautifully written!
I believe love could happen always…so much more than it does now because of the denial of allowing it to happen with 'someone else.' The clinging and demanding “you love me..or else.” And the demand…'see you do not love because you break the chain to me.' You lose everything you ever worked for. Love, to me, is freedom with respect to ourselves and the other. Love is radical to me and unique to each person's intelligence and perspective. The old ideology of love connected to fixed morals is out of date and the problem to me is that it cannot be defined anymore! If it has become defined for one person..fine…but this definition cannot be universal. It is dead. Love is a living phenomenon!
Never have I had a relationship with no-problem! Simply - relationshp, in my eyes, has problems! No problem! It is part of the friction, the beauty! The more you try to have a problemless relationship, the more you destroy it! Friction is beautiful…dynamic and alive!
Lust..hmmm?..that beautiful energy. Personally, it was only when my lust was transformed into love did I understand love. Not love for another, but pure love! Just love! When the energy of lust, sexuallity, entered my heart…the eyes saw another world, one free of contradiction, one free of 'mind', just pure yes!..then a glimpse of love entered my experience. Love has nothing to do with the 'other' in my opinion.
I feel lust is an opportunity! If you are aware, awake - it is an opportunity. Lust does not have to be acted upon…it can be used as a method. Alchemy!
One's intelligence, practice, and understanding can use lust as a door to the divine! No problem. It is the prehistoric man that makes energy a problem….he does not understand it…its potential.
yes, Gabriel, Chopra's The Path to Love is an excellent book, no question. you've got good taste!
now, when it comes to tasting good and the cookies, i guess i should ask which cookie recipe ~ i have so many! are we talking ginger, oatmeal raisin, chocolate pecan chip, rum balls, angel, sprite ~ i mean, honestly, they're all quite divoone! actually, it really doesn't matter 'cause the recipes all die with me, but i'll happily make them like crazy till i go ~ will that do?
oh, and thankee for Dawn's name… ;)
attainment ~ thank you for your kind comments!
yes, love is a unique experience for each of us, just as each us are unique. if a requirement of love is the loss of self, i don't believe it's truly love. love supports the precious being of the other and doesn't attempt to change it, but instead celebrate it.
in love, as in life, problems are opportunities for growth and change. it is through the 'problems' that we fully experience the other. and, yes, i believe it is in the transformation of lust into love that we truly begin to experience the essence of love ~ the true depth of love. it is within the alchemy of lust that we begin to sense the possibility of that ultimate of merging into the depths of recognition of the one within our relationship with our beloved ~ our link to the divine within us all.
do we have to choose which cookie recipe? can't we have them all pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease? :) I must admit to having a real weakness for ginger…
the alchemy of lust, fascinating… lead turns to gold and dross is purified out
More than one recipe… of course there is bookful !!!YEA!!! ah heck if we can't see it we'll just write our own probaly won't be much different and still yummy.
=}
oops! Nicole, i missed your response earlier ~ sorry!
sorry, but i stand by my earlier decision ~ the recipes die with me. i've gotta tell ya, though, i don't really write them down exactly anyway. i find a decent recipe to begin with and then pump it up according to what feels right in the moment. each time i bake it's an experience in creativity. i can usually repeat what i've done in the past, but i'm always tweaking and improving. the more i understand about the chemistry of baking, the better all my baking becomes…
yes, please do create your own wonderful recipes, J.M.! it's the only way to go. then you can tweak away to suit your own tastes!
hmmm… have i ramped myself up for a day of baking? i'm hungry now! aaaaaaargh!
sniff! :):)
Nothing like a little foreplay before the feast.
The thought of sampling your cookies sends
my salivary glands into an orgasmic frenzy.
Although, I must say,
my favorite cookie is you.
hmmm… and Gabriel sings in double entendre! hmmm…
“With grace, compassion, love, and joy, everything we dream will be achieved.”
mmm :):)
aaaaah, may love and light surround us all and bring us peace, for peace is our souls' truth and we are resolved to return there…